Dear Guru Maharaja,
Please accept my humble obeisances.  All glories to You and SP,

I know I’ve told You about my problem tolerating others at temple many times.  I’ve told You about this for years and years.  I know that You refer to this as my “disease.”  And don’t worry I’m not offended when You say that I have a disease.  I no that I have a disease.  To be more specific, I guess I would describe it as a mental and/or psychological/ and/or emotional disease.  Actually I would describe it as a disorder.  But I understand You when You refer to it as a disease.

So I have a gigantic problem with a so-called devotee at the temple near my house.  Actually the temple is referred to as “the Krishna House”.  It was established by Kalakantha Dasa a while ago.  The official temple here is 20 miles north.  The majority of the people living at the Krishna house are young, like in their 20s.

But anyway back to my problem, my disease.  I have a gigantic problem with this so-called devotee.  I hate him.  I don’t wish him death because he is a human, but I still hate him.  I have had issues with him for months now.  He lives in the men’s ashram at the Krishna house.  For whatever reason he doesn’t like me.  He has disrespected me before.  He was supposed to give me a ride home from the temple with 2 other devotees and he left with the Devotees without me knowing (I believe on purpose)  Luckily there were other devotees there who gave me a ride home.  Otherwise I would’ve been stranded at the temple.  He never apologized to me for it.  This proved to me that I cannot trust him.  And I’m still upset about that.  There was another time when I was talking with a female devotee(in public, not privately) with another guy.  Maybe he thought the guy was weird and making the girl uncomfortable.  Or maybe he thought both me and him were making the girl uncomfortable.  Anyway, he called the girl over to him and talked to her privately.  I’m sure he was saying things about me behind my back.  But maybe he was just talking about the other guy.  Because the other guy is weird and nobody want to be around that guy. 

I always see him at Krishna house because, like I said he lives there.  This really upsets me.  I wish he’d leave right now.  He intimidates me because of his aggressive attitude/personality.  Every time I see him I look the other way and try to just ignore him.  But I cannot.  I know You told me the last time I mentioned other devotees I don’t get along…to just go to the temple and do my service there.  I remember You told me that recently in a zoom meeting.  I would like to go to the temple and participate in their programs.  I really want to, especially because I live so close.  I don’t want to take that for granted.  But recently I’ve not gone to temple much at all.  And it’s because I don’t want to be around the so-called devotee at all.  Like I said he intimidated me and makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I also don’t like the temple president at the Krishna house.  But that’s another topic for a later time.

I know that I’ve struggled with this disease a long time and I’ve been telling you about this forever.  I just wanted to tell you about it because my disease is keeping me from going to the temple at all.  Unfortunately I don’t see this as just my disease.  I see it as his fault also, not just my disease.  I see this person almost everyday.  The only time I don’t see him is if I just stay in my apartment.  Or if I don’t walk by the Krishna house.  Other than that I will see him every day.

One thing that I think would make this better, is if I faced my fear and anxiety by going to the temple and he’s there.  That way maybe I’m not surrendering to my fear of seeing him, being around him.  A couple years ago I had a problem with another devotee who was living there.  Kalakantha Prabhu told me 3 things that would help.  1. Compassion to the devotee.  2. Forgiveness to the devotee.  3.  To lower my anxiety, and chanting Hare Krishna would help me lower it.  I thought this was very profound advice.  The problem is that it’s a lot easier said than done.  But I understand that this would work.  I have a verytiny amount of compassion for the so-called devotee. Forgiving him and lowering my anxiety is very difficult though.

The bottom line is…I’m scared of the so-called devotee.  I’m uncomfortable around him.  I’m angry at him when I see that he’s always around. I don’t like at all, I don’t respect him much.  And I don’t trust him at all.

I wish I could overcome this, just don’t pay attention to him.  Just do devotional service and everything is better.  But it feels impossible.

I don’t know if You want to respond to this email.  I would like You to, but I don’t know because I know You’ll find it repetitive.  I don’t know if there’s anything You can give me any new advice on this.  I hope that You could tell me something that would really make it better. Maybe that’s not realistic though. 

I understand that You’ve talked to me about this several times over the years.  And You don’t want to be repetitive.  I wish that I could talk to You on a zoom video call for 90 minutes about it, several days every week.  But I understand that You cannot do that.  I’m just saying I wish You could because that would be great for me.  Like I always say, I know You’re not a psychologist.  I know that You haven’t gotten a PhD in psychology.  Like you told me You are not an expert on treating my disease. You told me clearly that You are not my Psychologist or my Psychiatrist.  I totally understand that and I’m truly not trying to annoy You.  I just feel stuck.  Like my hands are tied in this situation.

Also,  I know you told me recently that I should never again mention my personal things to You.  And that You should never again mention my personal things.  So I didn’t mean to cross that line with You.  I really want You to know that I’m not trying to mention my personal things to You.  I feel that this a situation involving another ISKCON (so-called) devotee so it’s an okay thing to mention to You.  And it’s greatly hampering my devotional service. For example, not much association with devotees because he’s always there.  Not going to Krishna house because he lives there. 

Thank You for reading my long email.  I really hope to hear back from You about this if you are able.

Your servant
Bhakta Rich
Sent from my iPhone